Well, I’ve finally found a match for In-N-Out in perhaps the fast food joint of the East Coast, Five Guys. Not only does it share the distinction as probably the producer of the freshest burgers, but it also has a mystique about it, as though it’s perfect for nearly any situation.

When you’re in the mood for a binge, there’s one cure: Five Guys. When you’re depressed, Five Guy it is. When you want to celebrate, Five Guys.  Etc., etc.

During my years at Georgetown, that’s what I had to constantly live with—incessant rambling about just how good this burger joint is. For me, a fast food burger is just another fast food burger, and I resisted visiting the ever-popular Georgetown Five Guys location for three whole years. Eventually, though, I just got fed up with all the hype and decided to go and see what all the fuss was about.

After tasting the burger, I have to admit that, while I wasn’t blown out of my mind, there is a good reason for the hype: Five Guys knows how to do its burgers right. It’s surprising, too, because you wouldn’t expect that type of quality just by looking at the joint. Every single Five Guys is arranged like a semi-classic diner, but has a drabness to it, as though it is Johnny Rockets Lite.  Don’t be fooled, though. This is far more than just another chain burger joint, as I soon found out when I ordered a cheeseburger and the famous Cajun fries, consistently voted best fries in DC.

The cheeseburger is very nicely made, coming with two beef patties, two slices of American cheese, and a whole slew of trimmings, including grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup, mayo, mustard, tomato, lettuce, etc. There’s also a list of extra toppings, like jalapeños and even steak sauce, for anyone who wants something a little bit different. Needless to say, the burger is packed with tons of ingredients, to the point that as you eat it a whole pile of grilled onions and sauce begins to form on the bottom of the foil as the sandwich falls apart. That is  my one big complaint with the sandwich: It seems kind of flimsy, especially because of the plain, small sesame seed buns, which provide almost no cushion for the ingredients and don’t really handle the weight all too well.

Still, the taste of the sandwich speaks for itself. What you get here are ingredients that are both fresh and work well with each other. The lettuce and the green peppers (which I added) are so crispy and crunchy that you can hear them crack while eating the burger. The tomatoes are ripe and fresh. The grilled onions are very nicely grilled, so that they aren’t burnt or too toasted. Their greasiness infuses the whole sandwich with some flavor. The beef is relatively juicy (compared to most fast food places) and cooked with a slight bit of thickness so that it has some extra plumpness. Moreover, it doesn’t have that fake, bland quality you find at other fast food burger joints, like McDonald’s. It isn’t the most flavorful, but it is very good by most fast food standards. Finally, all that comes together with a deliciously simple ketchup and mayo blend (I had mustard removed) that, comes through nicely in every bite. It can, however, be a bit much at times, as though the sandwich has been drenched in sauce. The one weak link is, again, the buns, which really taste like store-bought sesame seed buns—plain and boring, even if nicely doughy. That’s still forgivable, though, since all the other ingredients do so nicely.

As for the Cajun fries, I was a bit more disappointed, especially if these are truly the “best” DC has to offer. The Cajun spice is little more than a dash of some spicy peppers, though I can’t tell exactly what it is. To be fair, it is a nice touch, and I like the very slight burning sensation that it gives—just enough to cleanse the palate of the grease and leave you refreshed. It also helps balance the salt of the fries. That salt is really quite limited, which I appreciate, since most fast food fries tend to be intolerably salty. Still, the fries themselves aren’t anything special. The fry job is decent but not great, leaving the fries almost golden brown on the outside, with a very slight crispiness that is nevertheless just not enough.

Moreover, the fries feel very greasy, and even though “real” potatoes are supposedly used instead of those artificially preserved ones, the fries still come off as feeling artificial because of just how much grease there is, neutralizing the natural potato taste. Neither is their starchiness all that great because the potato isn’t cooked all the way through evenly, probably because it’s fried very quickly. The outside, in turn, has a very big crisp but the inside is on the very mushy side. Even so, the quality of the potato is definitely a notch up from what you’d find at most fast food places.

There is one last question to answer, though, and it’s one that’s especially relevant to fast food: was the meal worth the $10 that I paid for it. And I’d have to say yes, though not resoundingly. The large fries come in a 16 oz. cup, filled past the brim, and yet the cooks still find it necessary to take an extra whole tray of fries and just dump it gratuitously into your bag. The burger, on the other hand, is much smaller and not quite as great a value. It is, however, very heavy, so that for normal people, one burger should suffice to suppress a burger craving. It’s also hard to find a burger with fresher ingredients and so much flavor at a cheap price point. Finally, as an added bonus, the burger comes wrapped in foil in order to keep all the steam inside. Thus, even if you’re taking it home, it should come out fresh and hot whenever you open it up. As far as fast food goes, then, this is great take-out, even for the price.

For all those reasons, as well as the undeniable quality of the burger, I give Five Guys a slight recommendation as a viable fast food alternative. It’s definitely not the best, but it’s probably the best fast food burger within DC.

Scores

Taste: 3.2/5.0
-          Cheeseburger: 4.0/5.0
-          Cajun Fries: 2.3/5.0
Value: 3.3/5.0
Verdict: 3.2/5.0. 3.8 if you just want the burger.

There are few foods DC really loves, but nothing really compares to the charm of the good old-fashioned cheeseburger. DC is the nation’s capital, after all. How could it go without an overabundance of quality burger joints?

Not surprisingly, then, the “slow fast food” burger trend has really taken off in the DC-Virginia-Maryland area. Burger joints like Ray’s Hell Burger, Elevation Burger, and Good Stuff Eatery are opening up their doors to an ever-increasing crowd of hungry diners, ready for a cost-efficient meal in DC that’s still just a bit nicer and more “gourmet” than the typical fast food burger.

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One of the most popular burger restaurants of the recent wave is the fittingly named BGR: The Burger Joint, which has even expanded into a chain with 4 locations. While the other “slow fast food burger” joints tend to keep it simple, just giving extra options for gourmet toppings, they don’t innovate quite as much as BGR. At BGR, you don’t just get the traditional burger varieties. Instead, each burger is a creature all its own, from the ham-and-cheese Cuban to the Greek (with lamb and feta) to the Ahi Tuna (with pineapple and ginger) to the massive 9 Pounder.

Trying to go along with that innovative fare is an equally odd ambience caught between the retro and the modern. On the one hand, you have records from the eighties lining the walls, a pile of Kiss action figures and lunchboxes, old-fashioned lemonade mixers, etc. On the other, you have vivid colors, large monitors playing the Food Network (a personal favorite, but somewhat underwhelming when you see it in a burger joint), and weird, bulbous, Christmas light-esque lamps. BGR, at least at its Dupont location, is really trying to go for a mix between nostalgic and cool, which it just barely misses. Still, it’s a decent attempt.

That’s really how the whole experience was at BGR: good, but something was just missing from it all. The burgers have great concepts, with lots of interesting, unique toppings and combinations. In the end, though, the meat is just a bit muddy and the flavors downplayed in favor of gimmicky ingredients that can, at times, be overpowering. Moreover, though the potato quality is great, the fries are inconsistent in general. The shake, too, is a miss: malty, but not enough.

Everything has something just a bit off that really holds it back, even though some of BGR’s “tricks” really are quite welcome—for example, foil wrapped around the burger to keep it nice and warm (The Cuban), all the ingredients actually tossed into the burger meat itself instead of on top of the burger (The Southwestern), cheese on the top and the bottom (just about everything), etc.

Those “tricks,” though, are just that—tricks. Once you get past them, you realize that the meat, fries, and shake just aren’t up to snuff.

Moreover, I’d rather not pay $9 for a gimmicky burger that is, in fact, so small that I need to eat three to get full. Honestly, I’m the type of guy who doesn’t like to pay $10 for fast food because it’s a rip-off for the quality I’m getting. Yet, I left BGR paying a good $20 for a milkshake, a burger, and some fries. That is easily the most expensive fast food combo I’ve bought in recent memory, and it really just isn’t worth it. If I’m eating fast food, I don’t expect to be paying the same price as I would in a nice gastropub, where I’d also get table service, a nicer ambience, and a much larger selection of food and drinks.

Overall, then, BGR is one of those joints that does everything well, but not well enough. I have to admit, some of the food hits the spot. The onion rings are fantastic, and I genuinely enjoy the Cuban Burger’s use of ham. But I refuse to pay $9 for a tiny ham and cheese sandwich, especially if it’s fast food.

Save some time and head over to Ray’s Hell Burger, where you can get something cheaper, twice as big, and twice as flavorful.

What I Tasted

1. The Golden Standard (Thick Cut Yukon Gold Potato Fries): Like I said, the quality of the potatoes is undeniable. The potatoes themselves aren’t bland, instead having that heavy starchy taste that you get from true, fresh potatoes. Still, the fries were very inconsistent. While they had a great golden crispness on the outside that made for a satisfying crunch, the interior too often got mushy, which got overwhelming because the fries were pretty thick (not like steak fries, but thick enough for you to notice). They weren’t seasoned except with salt, but they did have just the right amount—a big bonus. 2.5/5.0
2. The Orange Standard (Thin Cut Idaho Sweet Potato Fries): These fries were much better, for two reasons. First, the sweet potato has a much richer, starchier consistency. Second—and more importantly—they were thin cut. When you add that to their richer consistency, it’s almost impossible to get any muddiness in these potatoes. Moreover, unlike other sweet potato fries, these were nicely moderated. They weren’t overly savory or bold, and they weren’t overseasoned. Instead, they had just the right combo of sweet potato flavor to crispy oiliness, making for an overall satisfying, balanced experience. 4.0/5.0
3. Onion Rings (Thick Cut Beer Battered Vidalia Onion Rings): Easily the star of this meal. These onion rings were simply massive, and yet in every single bite I got a mouthful of delicious, fresh-tasting, thick Vidalia onion ring, for a very intense, long grilled onion taste. That doesn’t mean these rings were only lightly battered or greased, though. In fact, they were so oily that when I picked them up I could feel the oil immediately, and when I pressed the sides of one of the rings together, a whole stream of oil dripped down for several seconds. That may sound disgusting, but trust me, it makes all the difference, as the rings found a way to combine an enormous amount of delicious grease with a very fresh, bold onion taste. And the batter was just delicious—crunchy yet light, like a very flavorful, bready tempura. It almost had the consistency of thin fried dough. Even better, the proportion between batter and onion was almost perfect, allowing you to taste both very easily—which was great, because both are so delicious on their own. Overall, then, these onion rings succeeded with flying colors, easily mixing the crunchy with the chewy and the grilled with the fried. 4.5/5.0
4. The Cuban (1 Slice of Slow Roasted Pork, 2 Slices of Serrano Ham, Sweet Pickles, Dijon Mustard, and Swiss Cheese): This was quite the intriguing find—a combination between a ham and cheese sandwich and a burger. It came wrapped in aluminum foil—I assume to keep all the heat inside—which I thought was a nice touch. And the flavor combo actually worked, too, largely because the ham and pork were so flavorful, smoky, soft, and fatty. The ham also had just a bit of saltiness that made it both delicious in itself and a great compliment to the burger meat. It acted somewhat like bacon, except without the heaviness and harshness. Moreover, I really liked the proportions of all the toppings. The Swiss cheese was provided in generous amounts both on the top and on the bottom, so that I could taste it in every part of the sandwich. It was also a great choice for a cheese, imbuing the whole burger with a true ham and cheese vibe. Moreover, the pickles were cut in huge, thick slices and gave a tangy, sweet crunch. Finally, and most surprising of all, the mustard complimented the burger well. I’m notorious for my hatred of mustard, but here it was used sparingly, spread on in a light layer that was just enough to give a bit of that spicy, tangy mustard flavor without overpowering any of the meat. The one area where the burger really didn’t stand up, though, was in the meat, which for some reason didn’t seem to have much taste. That’s not because it wasn’t cooked well—in fact, it was cooked through nicely and evenly. But it had a bit of grittiness and was on the drier side, without any succulence whatsoever. Nor was it seasoned much at all, really relying on the flavors of the ham and pork to cover up some of its defects. At least the buns were great, actually holding up well under the weight of the toppings and giving an added layer of toasty smokiness from being grilled. 3.9/5.0. Fantastic for a ham sandwich, less so for a burger.
5. The Burger (Lettuce, Tomato, Grilled Onion, 2 Cheeses [American and White Cheddar?], Pickle, Mojo Sauce): This is an odd one to judge because it did everything right, yet it somehow was not fully satisfying. The vegetables were all fresh, but were provided in very small amounts. The lettuce, for example, was just a thin slice that didn’t really contribute much at all. The grilled onion, though, worked well and was cooked very nicely, adding some good oily, smoky, and sweet flavor to the combo. I also liked the fact that the burger came with two different types of cheese, one yellow and one white, giving some extra complexity. The mojo sauce was actually quite good, too. It was reminiscent of thousand  island but with just a bit more tang to it. Finally, I thought the toasty quality of the bread worked well to add some flavor, and it was actually quite soft, like it had been buttered. Still, I found the burger to be underwhelming, again because of the meat. The meat was cooked very well but really lacked savoriness or any juiciness. It was on the crumbly side, with a bit of dryness, though it wasn’t muddy. Just as problematic, though, was that the burger as a whole was oily, lacking the fresh taste that I expected from a simple veggie, cheese, and meat combo. 3.3/5.0
6. The Southwestern (Meat flavored with Chipotles, Poblanos, Onions, and Chilis. It is topped with Pepperjack Cheese, Black Bean Salsa, and Mojo Sauce): I just had a taste of the meat on this one to see how BGR managed to invert the toppings and stuff them into the patty. At first, it had a pretty solid taste—crumbly and flavorful. Pretty soon, though, it turned muddy and then started to pick up an overwhelming confused spiciness. I didn’t try the whole thing to see if there was synergy in the flavors, but the meat wasn’t impressive at all. Definitely worse than the rest.
7. Vanilla Bean Milk Shake: As I said before, this milkshake achieved some nice maltiness, but just not enough to set it apart. I really liked the thickness in it, which was to the point that I felt that I had to fight just a bit to get my straw into it. Moreover, the vanilla bean was very fresh and very strong. Two whole scoops went into the shake, which was served in just a normal-sized cup. The result was that I had a very concentrated vanilla taste. What hindered the shake was really just the one-dimensionality. There was no nuance to the vanilla, the shake itself didn’t have the right level of creaminess, and it could have used a bit more sweetness or some malty, caramel, or other flavors. 3.5/5.0

Scores

Ambience: 4.0/5.0. Excellent for a fast food burger joint. (Not factored into overall score)
Taste: 3.4/5.0
Value: 1.5/5.0. The most expensive fast food I’ve ever eaten, period.
Overall: 2.6/5.0

I’ve touched on the DC-Virginia-Maryland gourmet burger craze quite a bit recently. Residents just can’t seem to get enough of this all-American meal, and new places keep on popping up at an astounding rate, trying to cut into the competition with flashy combinations and a trendy setting.

None, however, compares to Ray’s Hell Burger, which ironically runs completely counter to the prevailing trend. Ray’s shuns all the smoke and mirrors, taking the burger seriously rather than trying to glam it up.

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I’d go so far as to call the experience even a bit shocking. The first time I entered, there was a line snaking through the whole restaurant and the out the front door, yet the place itself was nothing to look at. Ray’s may not be a dump, but it’s as plain as plain gets. Expect wooden tables and chairs, very little decoration, almost no color, and a simple counter at the top with no trimmings, no displays, and no polish.

But why go to such lengths to glam down a gourmet feast? Probably the largest reason lies in owner Michael Landrum’s character. He’s not one for subtlety or diplomacy, having gone on the record as saying that he generally hates rich people for their pretentious attitudes and showy lifestyle. He may have one of the single largest restaurant chains (Ray’s the Steak, Ray’s Hell Burger, Ray’s the Classics, and a couple more are planned for this year), but he’s about as common as a common man can get—and I mean that as a compliment. He talks with his food, rather than his scene, and apparently everyone agrees, as he just can’t seem to ever fit in all his hungry customers at Ray’s Hell Burger or at any Ray’s restaurant for that matter.

So what is it that makes Ray’s Hell Burger so diabolically delicious? Well, it starts with the aged 10 oz., hand trimmed, freshly ground meat patty, which is as good as it sounds. That’s not really because the quality of the meat itself is so mind-blowing, though. In fact, I’ve had a piece of the patty separate from all the toppings, and while it was of above average quality, the inside had a crumbliness that was a bit unsatisfying.

Where the meat shines, though, is in how succulent it is and especially in how it’s cooked. This is, in fact, probably the juiciest patty I’ve ever seen. It’s overflowing to the point that as soon as you put just a bit of pressure on it, oil begins to gush out. Remember, too, that this patty is huge, weighing in at a whole 10 oz, so that when I say oil begins to gush, I mean a whole stream forms on the bottom of the plate. That’s also largely the reason the buns fall apart, which I’ll soon address. Only adding to the juiciness is how nicely the burger itself is cooked. The medium has just a bit of redness on the inside for that extra savory punch that I like in a good steak. Even better, though, is the char on the outside, which gives the whole patty an extra smokiness. Overall, then, the patty checks out, though I wouldn’t go so far as to call it the all-star of the burger.

That role belongs to the toppings, and here’s where Ray’s really sets itself apart. You can find literally anything you could ever want on a burger. On the meat side, there’s foie gras and bone marrow, as well as four different styles of cooking the meat, such as with a diabolically hot chipotle marinade. Cheeses run the gamut from the classic, common man varieties, like Vermont cheddar and Swiss, to higher-brow selections fit for any gourmand, such as Cave Aged Amish Cheddar and Époisses de Bourgogne (which costs $5 a slice!). And the burger is stacked not just with simple veggies, but with such delicacies as cognac & sherry sautéed mushrooms, charred jalapenos, and roasted garlic. Ray’s is, in short, the king of customizability, offering you so many options that it’s at times difficult to even make up your mind.

The one complaint most people have is about the bun. It falls apart as soon as you assemble the burger, not because the bun is horrible and flimsy, but rather because the burger is just so loaded with juicy, oily ingredients that any bread would fall apart. Contrary to all the naysayers, the bread itself is delicious. It’s a large toasted sesame seed bun, so it retains the very traditional burger bun taste while adding just a bit of smoky and toasty flavor. Moreover, because it absorbs all the juice, it becomes really soft on the inside, making for a nice combo with the crispness on the exterior. Don’t get me wrong—this bun won’t win any awards. But for what it is, and for what this burger is, it’s really not a slouch at all. It’s just that, to make a burger this excellently juicy, something’s gotta give, and that something is the bun.

There’s a very simple solution, though: Just eat the burger with a fork and knife, like I do. I know, I know…“Who eats a burger with a fork and knife?” That’s a valid point. But here’s a better one: This burger is amazing largely because of the toppings, and eating with a fork and knife guarantees that you get a perfect distribution of ingredients in every bite.

Even with all the bun issues, however, Ray’s easily produces the single largest, cheapest, and most delicious gourmet burger around. But it gets even better than that. How much would you expect to pay for a burger that’s so large that you’ll return home only to hibernate for the winter? And how much would you pay for the endless variety of gourmet toppings? Well, at Ray’s you only need to pay $7 for the base hamburger, with the vast majority of the toppings coming for free. Even the most expensive burger on the menu, the Burger of Seville, which comes packed with a mini-mountain of foie gras and Bordelaise sauce, costs a mere $17.50, making it probably the cheapest foie gras burger I’ve ever seen.

As a final touch of excellence, Ray’s complements its burgers with an impressive array of accompaniments, particularly the draft root beer and the incredible 7-cheese mac and cheese. Milkshakes may be missing, and the fries may not be extraordinary, but it’s hard to argue when you can get mac and cheese that easily trumps some of the varieties I find in $50+ restaurants.

Ray’s, then, is the ultimate burger spot. It may not be fancy or high-brow, but this is as gourmet as a burger gets, with some of the most interesting ingredients, one of the biggest lists of customizable options, properly cooked meat, incredible sides, and one of the lowest prices in town.

Need I say more?

What I Tasted

1. Dogcatcher (Roasted Bone Marrow, Persillade, Lettuce, Tomato. I added on Smoked Mozzarella, Sauteed Onions, and Sauteed Peppers): Mind-blowing. At first, the idea of roasted bone marrow struck me as just plain odd. Bone marrow has the texture and flavor of pure fat, so it has a lot of chewiness and oiliness that seems like it might just overload the burger. All that nonsense goes out the door, though, as soon as you take a bite of this masterpiece. The chewy fattiness just adds another layer of smoothness to the bite and practically melts together with the much more savory, juicy burger patty. The meat, as explained above, comes out delicious—overflowing with juice to the point that it starts dripping out as soon as I press down on it, making a droopy mess of the bottom bun. Moreover, the mozzarella works very nicely, adding another layer of slight smokiness that complements the roasted taste of the bone marrow and the grilled taste of the onions. The standout of the whole burger, though, is the sautéed onions oddly enough. They combine a very pronounced sweetness with a very heavily grilled taste, reminiscent of a slight char. In fact, I wouldn’t even call them sautéed—they’re more like a mixture of the caramelized with the sautéed. Regardless, they take this burger up a notch. Overall, the burger is an amazingly complex mix of the fatty, sweet, smoky, roasted, savory, and juicy. It is, in fact, so complex, that you can’t really distinguish the flavors apart from each other, since they work in perfect synergy. Topping it all off is the persillade, a sauce containing parsley, garlic, herbs, oil, and vinegar. These ingredients add a needed freshness and lightness, in addition to just a bit more oil to soften up the whole burger. 4.8/5.0
2. Let’s Get It On (The Works: Applewood Smoked Bacon, Swiss & Vermont White Cheddar Cheeses, Cognac & Sherry Sauteed Mushrooms, Grilled Red Onions, Sauteed Peppers, Roasted Garlic, Lettuce, & Tomato): This is what I want from a burger! There is so much grease from the mushrooms and peppers that the bun falls apart. But the burger is so good it doesn’t matter, and I continued to eat it until it became a sloppy mess. There is kind of a clash of flavors in your mouth because so much is going on with the overabundance of ingredients, but it all comes together in a way that makes you feel like you’re eating something much nicer than a sloppy, greasy burger. And it’s juicy and perfectly cooked, to boot. Use some Ray’s Heck Sauce too to add just a bit more flavor (it’s kind of like thousand island with some tanginess). 4.8/5.0
3. Seven-Cheese Mac and Cheese: This is one of the best Mac and Cheeses I’ve eaten in a long time, which is amazing considering it costs $2 and is served in a fast food restaurant! It’s just oozing with cheese, and because there are so many cheeses, no one strong cheese taste dominates. Instead, everything comes together for a nice balance. The cheese is, in fact, so generously piled on that the macaroni almost gets lost in the mix, providing just a small bit of lumpiness in an otherwise perfectly gooey, rich barrage of cheese. The macaroni literally melts in your mouth, in turn. At the same time, this dish is a very simple affair, and it can be offsetting for some that it is hard to taste the macaroni. That does not, however, prevent it from being the best Mac and Cheese deal in town. 4.3/5.0
4. Sweet Potato Fries: These are actually really solid, in addition to being just a bit better than the fries. Normally, sweet potato fries will fall into two traps: either too sweet and savory, or too oily and fatty with almost no sweet potato flavor. Although I do think the sweet potato is downplayed a bit here, these fries fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, having just the right level of fry so that the sweet potato isn’t overshadowed completely. That’s partially because the fries have a medium-sized thickness, and for that thickness they’re very nicely cooked, with no mushiness at all and a very nice, light crispiness on the outside. Finally, the salt is well-balanced, without being overpowering. Overall, then, the fries have all the basics. They just don’t do anything above that and can taste slightly bland at times, largely because they lack any type of seasoning (other than salt). 3.8/5.0
5. French Fries: Again, the same situation as the sweet potato fries, where all the basics are right on, but the fries just don’t stand out. These are just a little thicker than the sweet potato fries, but they too are surprisingly not too mushy (just a slight bit, but not in a disturbing way). And again, the highlight is the light fry on the outside, which gives these fries a great crispiness but doesn’t overshadow the natural potato taste. The main problem, though, is again that these can get bland. The only seasoning they have is salt (which is just very slightly too much for my taste), nor is the quality of the potatoes so fantastic that you’re left surprised at their flavor or freshness. 3.5/5.0. Basic, but nicely done.
6. Cole Slaw: I just had a couple spoons of this, so I can’t say much. From what I did have, though, I really got a good sense of creaminess, with a heavy focus on the richness of the mayonnaise. That does, however, come at the cost of the vegetables, which seem both downplayed and bland, partially because they’re served very frosty/chilled. It’s not bad, but it’s definitely no comparison to the other sides.

What I’ve Had Before

1. BIG POPPA (Black Peppercorn Crust with Aged Bleu Cheese): The burger itself is solid as always but the bleu cheese is disgusting. To me, bleu cheese just does not belong on a burger, and well-cooked, succulent meat doesn’t do anything to hide the overriding bitterness of that pungent taste. Also, I couldn’t tell much because of the cheese, but the black peppercorn tends to distract from the flavor of the beef. It makes the meat a bit more peppery but doesn’t contribute much to its actual flavor. I heard this was the best burger in the house, but I’d actually say it’s the worst. But, then again, I’ve heard that people who like bleu cheese really go wild for this burger, so this is more a matter of personal preference. Really not for everyone.

Scores

Ambience: 1.5/5.0  (not factored into the verdict, since this is a fast food joint)
Service: N/A
Taste: 4.5/5.0. 4.8 for the burgers.
Value: 5.0/5.0.
Verdict: 4.7/5.0. 4.9/5.0 for the Burgers.

Whenever I head out to Adams Morgan for a night of bar-hopping, there’s one stop I’ve always got to make, and that’s Amsterdam Falafel Shop. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: It’s just another late night food stand, catering to the throngs of drunks that wander Adams Morgan at night. But it only attests to the quality of this place that people would prefer to go get a falafel and some hummus at 2 am at night instead of a slice of pizza at the local junky jumbo slice restaurants (the typical late-night bite around the area).

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What really distinguishes Amsterdam Falafel Shop, then? First of all, the falafel actually tastes like a falafel. I know it’s commonsensical, but coming from a Middle Eastern background, I’m very sensitive to the taste of any Middle Eastern cuisine. One of the biggest problems I find in falafels is a general flavorlessness. Just because a falafel is a ball of chickpeas doesn’t mean it needs to taste like a fake meat substitute. Here, not only is the falafel served hot and fresh (it’s fried right in front of you!), but the texture doesn’t turn into mush, the fried batter isn’t too heavy or oily, the chickpeas themselves have been well-spiced, and the falafel is served in an equally hot and very fluffy pita.

But really, you probably won’t be tasting the chickpeas too much, because the main draw here is an endless variety of toppings to stack into the sandwich. Garnishes include everything from hummus and baba ganoush to crunchy onions, sweet tomato and onion salad, red cabbage, and pickled beets. Nor are sauces lacking—Amsterdam Falafel Shop has about 10 different ones, including Dutch mayo, peanut sauce, and more traditional Middle Eastern sauces, like tzatziki.

That may seem daunting to the normal person. How do you adorn your falafel with 21 different garnishes? Well, that’s the double-edged sword here. You really do have to go in and give everything a shot before you can find your “sweet spot.” I can, however, highly recommend the hummus, which is so good that it easily beats the selection at many restaurants. Also, for the fries the dutch mayo and the garlic cream sauce are excellent.

That brings me to the second big draw of this place: the Belgian-style fries. If you’ve never heard of Belgian fries, all it means is that the fries are double-fried. The second fry is just a quick one done to give an extra bit of crunchiness to the fries without overcooking them. I actually have had the French fries in Belgium, and I can attest they’re probably the best I’ve had in my life (Belgians did invent the fry, after all), so anytime the fries can even approximate the quality of Belgian fries I’m immediately a fan.

I will say, though, that I don’t love the fries so much as I do the sauces. In fact, while the fries are very well-cooked throughout, I found them to be a bit lacking in crunch and far too greasy, i.e. like you would find them at any normal fast food place. The sauces, though—those are another story. They’re so good they can easily compensate for just about any deficiency the fries themselves may have. Once you dip them into the dutch mayo, you’ll know why exactly Belgians love to slather their fries in a mountain of mayonnaise. It may sound disgusting, but try it once and you’ll be convinced.

All in all, then, I can’t say Amsterdam Falafel Shop is the end-all-and-be-all of fast food restaurants. But I can say that, in a country full of cheap, dirty burgers, hot dogs, and pizza, this tiny Middle Eastern joint is a welcome addition to the fast food and especially the late-night-bite scene. Highly recommended for the falafel.

Scores

The Falafel Pita: 4.0/5.0
The French fries: 3.0/5.0 with sauce, 2.0 without.
Value: 4.3/5.0. Pricy by fast food standards, but delicious, heavy, and fully customizable.
Overall Score: 4.0/5.0. The best late-night cheap eat in all of DC.

I ran into Full Kee almost by accident. I had heard reviews stating just how authentic, delicious, and cheap this Chinese restaurant was, but I wasn’t about to make my way out to Chinatown simply for a couple of authentic Chinese dishes.

However, when I was heading to Philadelphia for a run of the local cheesesteak scene (reviews forthcoming!), not only was my bus stop in Chinatown, but it happened to be located literally right in front of Full Kee. It was as if the meeting had been divinely ordained. At first, I hesitated. My bus was already late, and I didn’t want to take the chance of waiting 15 minutes for Chinese food only to have to leave before I could get it.

But there was something quaint/charming about Full Kee that kept on drawing me back. It may have just been the huge, dead ducks that were hanging in the front—an ever-present reminder that Full Kee offers no-frills dining with only the freshest ingredients. Or it may have been the crowds of people, including many of non-Chinese descent, who were gorging themselves, licking their lips after every bite. I knew I should resist: I was going to have a night full of cheesesteaks, and my stomach wasn’t going to thank me for the extra load of Chinese food. Something told me I just had to try it, though, and so I ordered a couple dishes to go.

Unfortunately, the food wasn’t quite as astounding as I had hoped, though it depends on the dish. I picked a noodle and a meat dish, both somewhat of a house specialty (though Full Kee adamantly refuses to offer any recommendations or say it has any “best” dishes).

The House Special Lo Mein was, surprisingly, extremely good. For something so cheap (about $10), this was one of the best Lo Meins I’ve had in a long time. Everything was served piping hot—as it should be—with all the juices running out and mixing with the water to make a delicious broth that drenched the whole thing and kept it warm. The noodles themselves were extremely flavorful, as they had a very heavy yolky taste, which balanced the savoriness of all the meat. It was in the meat that the dish really shined, though. The noodles had shrimp, chicken, and beef, but all of them were cooked excellently so that they were chewy, tender, and just gushing with their natural juices. Best of all, everything tasted fresh, which is something I normally don’t get in cheap, Chinese food. I wasn’t left with a heavy oiliness, but rather a nice savoriness. Score: 4.3/5.0

Considering how good the Lo Mein was, I thought the Chicken Peking Style would be amazing as well, especially since it’s made with the house special mushroom sauce. It was, however, very disappointing. It felt like I was eating a large dish of broccoli, baby corn, and chicken drenched in some flavorless soy sauce. I do admit that the vegetables were nice and tender from all the moisture, and the mushrooms especially stood out. Still, the sauce itself wasn’t notable in any way—it had only a hint of mushroom and some spice, and it felt tacked on. That wasn’t the big failure of the dish, though. It was, instead, the very thing that had made the last dish so great: the meat. The meat was, in a word, boring. It was fried way too much, making it somewhat hard but not crispy. Because of the hardness and the oiliness of the fried exterior, it was difficult to really appreciate the chicken’s flavor, which didn’t come through at all. Score: 1.0/5.0

As a side note, while I didn’t get the restaurant experience, I did have a chance to see the whole restaurant, and it was as bare as it sounds. All I saw were bland white walls and a small dining room. The only decorations were a few large gold-embossed Chinese characters on the back wall. I can also imagine the dead ducks being offsetting for less adventurous eaters, though I’m perfectly at home in that type of environment, especially since in this case the restaurant seemed rather clean.

Overall, I can’t give a full-hearted recommendation for Full Kee. To be fair, I only tried a couple of the dishes, and one of the dishes was indeed fantastic. However, I’m left feeling that, contrary to all the claims that this food is the most authentic and delicious in town, it depends on the dish, and many will be left with the same type of cloyingly greasy, fatty heaviness of typical Chinese food in America.

Scores

Ambience: 1.0/5.0
Service: N/A
Taste: 2.6/5.0
Value: 3.5/5.0
Overall: 2.5/5.0. 2.9 for fast food/takeout.

1005 U Street NW
(between N 10th St & N 11th St)
Washington, DC 20001

Oohs and Aahs is one of the most famous Soul Food joints in DC, kind of like what Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles would be to LA. Considering how large the African American population is in DC, I really expected to find some fantastic Soul Food, especially at one of the most historic eateries in town. I was, however, utterly disappointed, in almost every regard. The Soul Food at Oohs and Aahs wasn’t that bad overall, but the sides were mostly bland, except for a couple exceptions, and even the meat, except maybe for the catfish, didn’t stand out in any way. If you do insist on eating here, though, take it to go, because the place itself is somewhat of a dump—just an intensely crammed hut with almost no decoration or color. The staff is great, though, and they really do make the experience a bit better.

Overall, then, Oohs and Aahs is just barely passable as a fast food place, and it may even be pretty good if you know what to order and can avoid some of the abominations that they call sides. The problem is that it stands out in almost no way and in no dish whatsoever. WAY TOO OVERHYPED!

What I’ve had:

1. Potato salad was right on, if not a bit too creamy and rich. It might be cloying and too heavy for some, but it was amazingly good, in my opinion.
2. The yams (mashed) were great, if not too sweet. Tasted kind of like eating sweet potato pie and had a really nice brown sugar/sweet pecan/cinnamon taste to them that was nice.
3. Mac and Cheese was a huge letdown—supposedly best in the city but it was just slop. Tasteless, without any feeling of freshness to it. I could’ve made better Mac and Cheese myself. If you want cheap, phenomenal Mac and Cheese, head over to Ray’s Hell Burger for something that’s 10x better.
4. The fries suck, as expected—they taste like they just came out of a microwave and just got an extra coating of salt to give them some extra flavor. They were really salted excessively, though.
5. Collared greens were okay, but not my thing—they are the very sour, vinegary kind.
6. Rice with gravy was horrible—tasted like the rice was completely undercooked. Don’t give it to an Armenian (me), ever. It was, in fact, only edible with the gravy, which helped to give the rice some flavor and richness to cover up how undercooked it was.
7. Fried catfish was right on—tender, moist, with good flavor. This was the best thing I ate, hands down. A bit small of a portion in comparison to everything else, but it’s the only meat that I felt they really nailed.
8. Fried chicken—same as the catfish, for the most part. Moist, tender, etc. But not quite as good, and you can easily find better in town.
9. Beef short ribs were great in their own right, as they were so tender that they were falling off the bone. But the bbq sauce just didn’t do them justice at all—too sour, a bit too strong, and really just a really odd, tangy taste that detracted from how good the meat was by itself. And the meat really did need the bbq sauce because it wasn’t flavorful enough on its own.

Ambience (for a cheap, “slow fast food”-type joint): 0.5/5.0, but you don’t go here for ambience.
Service: Not Applicable.
Taste: 1.2/5.0.
Value: 2.5/5.0. You get a ton of food but it’s still pricey by Soul Food standards.
Overall Score: 1.5/5.0